Tag Archives: man utd

Even Don Draper couldn’t sell this team

Draper gets a red card… for looking so damn good!

Well, so much for the MLS SuperDraft reviving the hopes of the Toronto FC faithful. On a day when clubs are expected to get better, the Reds appear to have gone in the opposite direction – trading away a potential double-digit scorer in Chad Barrett while bringing in a prospect with an interesting bill of health and Ecuadorian soccer Smurf Joao Plata.

The diminutive playmaker promises goals, but until he can prove it the mantle of secondary scoring falls to Maicon and his 2010 tally of three.

So, if the ad men who operate out of 170 Princes Boulevard are able to come up with a plan to sell its wares to the growing group of south end malcontents, I suggest AtTheRails acknowledge the impossible with a first-annual Don Draper Award.

With that in mind, ATR is here to help with a few suggestions on how to sell the Reds in Season No. 5.

(Disclaimer: If any of the ideas listed below are adopted in any shape or form, ATR is entitled to one set of tickets to a Toronto FC playoff game of its choice. Said playoff tickets can also be written into any will.)

Winter year-round

Has anyone mentioned to coach No. 5 that his surname is a Canadian marketer’s dream? That said, for Reds’ marketing purposes the idea of Winter all year is a positive, for it means there will be just one coach instead of the token two fans have come to expect.

Season F-I’ve seen better

In Season Four the Reds cleverly (no, not Tom Cleverley) took the ‘our’ from ‘four’ and made it theirs. Fail. So in Season Five why not take the ‘I’ve’ from ‘Five’ and market better days, like when the team won 10 games and missed the playoffs on the last day. Nostalgia is a powerful drug.

At Least Our Guys Are Eligible

Sometimes the best way to build yourself up is to tear down those around you. With that in mind, remember that with the first overall selection, the expansion Whitecaps FC chose 17-year-old striker Omar Salgado. Due to his age and FIFA transfer rules, Salgado likely won’t be able to play a game for Vancouver until he turns 18 in September.

Of course, this marketing campaign would only be good for one season. By summer 2012, I fully expect Salgado will single-handedly win the undercontested Nutrilite Canadian Championship.

Now for a bit of Prem chatter, with a side of pub-bashing.

This is where Rafael goes, "Lalalala, I can't hear you..."

The best part about Sunday’s goalless draw at White Hart Lane was that it confirmed my local is no longer a reliable place to watch a match. While the breakfast fare is fine and the Caesars are spicy, the suggestion that volume is not necessary and may bother the other patrons sealed the deal.

Anyhow, my audio-free observations of the stalemate are that as long as the Premier League continues to be hotly contested this season, goals will remain at a premium. There is far too much at stake for the big clubs to play the football fans want to see.

Biased Man of the Match: Nemanja Vidic. The captain’s partnership with Rio is arguably the only reason United remain unbeaten.

Ryan Johnston

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Filed under Major League Soccer, MLS, Premier League

What’s so super about it, anyway?

The inappropriately-named MLS Super Draft is a tough place to generate super results, especially when all your picks are outside the top 25. With that in mind, Sportsnet.ca’s RJ will weigh in Sunday with his thoughts on TFC’s draft day activity…I believe the working title for his piece is is “Rejected TFC Marketing Slogans for 2011.” At least the local XI are getting DeRo back from bonnie Scotland.

For now, our friend Paul Attfield of the Globe & Mail did a nice job documenting TFC’s picks today:

Highlight #1: Multitple sclerosis cost  newly-drafted defender Demetrius Omphroy a contract in Portugal, but after returning to the US and  playing college soccer at Cal, he hopes he has the disease under control.

Highlight #2: Late pick Joao Plata of Ecuador stands just 5’2″ and was the leading scorer at the MLS scouting combine with three goals. I’d say that’s no small achievement, except it is. But the man I’m dubbing The Wee Assassin seems to have a nose for the goal.

Vancouver used the top pick on Omar Salgado, even though they need FIFA permission for a full transfer before his 18th birthday on Sept. 10, ruling him out for nearly all their debut MLS season. The Whitecaps like Salgado and know him: he trained with the team last year. And they didn’t want to get the Steve Francis treatment from Darlington Nagbe, who went second to Portland and had made noises about not wanting to leave the United State. Because Vancouver and Toronto are such foreign, scary, evil, ugly places.  What a doofus. He deserves to get booed in both cities this summer.

Englishman John Rooney doesn’t mind going abroad for a game of footy – he went to the New York Red Bulls in the second round. Henry and Rooney on the same team, they can’t lose.

Back in Blighty, big brother Wayne and his Man. Utd teammates will take on Tottenham this Sunday…RJ’s team against mine. He’s promised to deliver a reasoned, rational, FOXNews-esque account of the EPL encounter. Don’t miss it.

Ian Harrison

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Filed under MLS, Premier League

Computer-created craziness

Liverpool’s Ryan Babel has been charged with improper conduct by the FA for posting a digitally-altered photo of referee Howard Webb wearing a Manchester United shirt on his Twitter feed. Webb awarded a first-minute penalty and later sent off Reds captain Steven Gerrard in Sunday’s 1-0 FA Cup defeat against the Red Devils. Across the field, Anfield teammate Glen Johnson has also set the Twittersphere alight with caustic comments about TV pundit Paul Merson.

No computer controversy, just CGI creation and incomparable class and beauty in Sylvie Van Der Vaart’s “juggling” commercial for Gillette.

Forget Becks, Rafa’s ravishing missus looks like she could be the signing to put Spurs over the top this transfer window. Get on it, Arry! Phwoar!

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Not Total Football, more total makeover

A big welcome this weekend to a new voice for At The Rails. Ryan Johnston has done plenty of TFC coverage and other soccer reporting for Sportsnet.ca in recent years. He’s here to blog about Toronto’s Reds, his beloved Red Devils of Manchester, and other stories from the footy world. In his debut, Ryan says playoff-poor TFC was smart not to hire big names for its management vacancies.

Dan Gargan at wing back? Don't make me laugh.

Enough with the total football references; Dan Gargan at wingback will never work.

That said, and as odd as it may seem, the best thing supporters can sing in the wake of Toronto FC (finally) hiring a new management team is, ‘Who are ya?

The fifth year MLS club with a first-year resume made the right decision to take the path less chosen and opt for a set of names known to very few outside of the aforementioned Total Football circles.

In are Aron Winter, Bob de Klerk and Paul Mariner, out is the adage that only the best will do.

Sure, the soccer intelligentsia are familiar with Toronto’s new triumvirate, but consider the following: TFC fans have spent the past few months being regaled with names of the well-known: Roberto Donadoni, Iain Dowie and Carlos Quieroz. It reeked of redundancy, because ever since this red rag-tag of names and numbers took the field for the first time in 2007, every big name available in soccer has been linked for a trial or tryout.

So exhalations of here we go again were excused when the type-A (Mo) Johnston was sacked and succeeded by someone just his type in Juergen (Klinsmann, whose SoccerSolutions firm was brought in to consult). But when the fickle former German player and manager admitted his time with TFC was akin to a hobby, not a full-time habit, supporters exhaled once again.

But this time it was with relief.

And so it goes that the German great stayed silent as the Reds’ rumour mill noisily churned out big name after big name. Then just as ‘cause for concern’ was being typed in to keyboards country-wide, Klinsmann quietly delivered.

Ryan Johnston

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CL draw: Spurs get San Siro return

When Tottenham was drawn against Young Boys of Bern in Champions League qualifying back in August, it was a dream draw for the North London’s debutantes, the easiest opponent Spurs could have faced at the final hurdle before the group stages of the competition.

And although they nearly bolloxed things up by falling behind 3-0 in the opening 30 minutes of the first leg, Spurs recovered to sweep past the Swiss side and move on to the tournament proper, where their only slip-up in six matches was a 4-3 defeat to Inter at Milan’s San Siro. A 3-1 triumph in the return leg at White Hart Lane put Tottenham on top of Group A to stay, meaning they’d avoid some of Europe’s heaviest hitters in this morning’s draw for the Round of 16.

This time, there was no dream draw, and Tottenham must go back to their house of first-half horrors to face Inter’s crosstown rivals AC Milan in February. The best scenario this time, if it could be considered as such, was probably FC Copenhagen, the first Danish side to reach the last 16. But even as a group winner, Tottenham still faced the prospect of many problematic opponents. And in the Rossoneri, current Serie A leaders, Tottenham have drawn one of the toughest. Sure, Marseille, Lyon and Valencia wouldn’t have been cakewalks, either, but this promises to be a stern, serious test.

Spurs, who will hope to be healthier in 10 weeks time, will be coming home for the second leg, of course. And our man ’Arry isn’t afraid of the big, bad boys from Northern Italy, saying he’s happy to keep measuring his squad against the best.

Of course, as North London squads go, Tottenham’s draw looks far better than neighbourhood rivals Arsenal, who face the daunting task of a battle with Barcelona, the same team that knocked them out of the tournament last year, and beat the Gooners in the 2006 final. Good luck with that one, lads.

Rather than Spurs, it was West London’s Chelsea who got the great Dane draw against Copenhagen, while Manchester United will meet Marseille. Inter got Bayern Munich in a rematch of last year’s final. Will the embattled Rafa Benitez still be in charge by then?

Meanwhile, the scabby Europa League teams also learned their fate today, with Man. Citeh drawn against Greece’s Aris Salonika, the team that knocked title holders Atletico Madrid out of the tournament. Obi Woy’s Liverpool get Sparta Prague, and Tottenham’s old adversary Young Boys, still alive in this competition, get Zenit St. Petersburg, who were UEFA Cup winners in 2008.

Finally, speaking of Swiss men and young boys, FIFA head of corruption president Sepp Blattter has apologized for his recent remarks urging homosexual fans to refrain from gay sex in Qatar. I give old Joseph a piece of my mind in my weekly Toro Magazine column today.

Ian Harrison

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Filed under Champions League, Premier League, Serie A, World Cup

Wayne’s wild Man. U-turn

What the…? In a show-me-the-money move more shameless than his initial ‘I want out of Man Utd’ act, Wayne Rooney has done an abrupt U-turn and signed a five-year deal with the Devil…uh, Red Devils. This confirms everything I ever suspected about the supernatural abilities of Sir Alex Ferguson, who no doubt used his paranormal powers to convince ownership to double Rooney’s wages, and got the supposed wantaway player to stick around at Old Trafford.

It’s a story more surprising than Liverpool keeping a clean sheet in Napoli, or the scuffling Scousers flying to Italy with Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson at the controls. And no matter where you stand, it’s enough to drive one to drink…or do something illicit. Right, Paul Gascoigne?

If you’re a fan of the Red Mancs, you might as well celebrate with a $115 beer. The rest of us will have to settle for something a little less extravagant. But hey, it’s Friday, and we like drinking (remember, we here at At The Rails take you from the bar to the terrace, and back), so don’t just settle for plonk…seek out one of these beauties if you can and console yourself with the fact that Rooney still faces three weeks on the shelf with an injured ankle, hasn’t scored in open play since March, will have to overcome some serious resentment in the locker room, and just re-upped with a team whose supposed commitment to chasing trophies and signing top-quality players is somewhat dubious, given that the interest rate on club debt is higher than its current point total.

Of course, as bad as Glazernomics are, things could always be worse. Raise your glass for forlorn Pompey fans, whose cash-strapped club looks to be disappearing entirely.

Hands off, he's still ours!!

And, as Sports Illustrated’s Miles Jacobson points out on Twitter, there’s an easy way for the Mancs to make some more cash: now all those fans who burnt their Rooney shirts will be buying new ones. Hey Scott, there’s one with AON on it if you like.

Meanwhile, our Arry, like Ian Holloway before him, reckons the whole incident is just another example of spoiled little rich kids grabbing all the power in the world of sport. Fair enough, Arry, but perhaps you should be focusing on keeping Everton off the scoresheet for longer than 67 seconds in Saturday’s match at White Hart Lane. Sure, David Ginola, once a footballer, now a golfer, thinks the Yids are poised to become the class of North London. But another start like Wednesday in Milan, and Arry might as well hit the links as well.

Ian Harrison

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