Tag Archives: david james

It could happen…

Kevin Hoggard

10 Things that I hope will happen in the Premiership this year:

1.       Roy Hodgson’s new cuddly approach will involve having a sleepover for his squad.  All the players will get dropped off by their mothers and they’ll all share one big bed.  Gerrard will suck his thumb and fight with Torres over his teddy bear while Woy reads them a bed time story about one night in Istanbul.  Dirk Kuyt will run around the room for 90 minutes without actually achieving anything.

Granddad Woy shows the lads what the CL trophy looks like…

2.       That all players have to grow facial hair, of their own choosing, until they score a goal.  Note to Fat Frank: “Deflected goals do not count.”

3.       Rory Delap has an operation to make his shoulders double-jointed.  He will now be able to launch a throw into the area from any position on the pitch.  A sign in the Stoke tunnel will read you must be 6’4” to go on the pitch.

4.       Penalty kicks will no longer decide cup matches.  The match will now be decided by a cage match involving four players from each team.  Players will have suitable monikers and be required to wear skin tight lycra.  John Terry, or ‘The Terry-nator’, will be a figure of hate as numerous WAGs grab the microphone and tell of how they’ve cheated on their man with the Chelsea captain.

5.       A two-week winter break is introduced and the top 10 managers in the Premier League will go into the Big Brother house and battle it out for the public’s vote.  Big Sam will spend every waking minute in the diary room complaining about everything.  Harry Redknapp will constantly tell people that the food in the cupboard is down to the bare bones.  Alex Ferguson will be found in his bedroom with every bottle of alcohol stacked in the corner, whispering the words “My Precious” and clawing at anybody coming within range.

6.       Rio will roofie Wayne Rooney two hours before the game.  Whilst asleep Rio will paint Rooney’s face green and wake him up 5 minutes before kick-off and he will run onto the pitch in complete ignorance to the sniggers of his team mates.  Donkey will be in the technical area shouting out instructions.

7.       Shaun Wright-Phillips will run out of the tunnel at the Eastlands only to have a sharp steel girder drop down and take his head off.  He will continue to run around for 90 minutes and nobody will notice the difference.

8.       Arsene Wenger is affected by the same truth wish that Jim Carrey had in Liar Liar.  When asked after the game if he saw an incident, Arsene will reply “Yes of course I saw it.  Why wouldn’t I?  I was watching the game.”  “So do you think Bendtner took a dive?”  “Definitely!  I’ve seen it on the monitor and nobody touched him.”  Arsene will look bemused as if he can’t believe he just said that out loud and, on parting, he will turn to the camera and say “And before you ask, Walcott really isn’t very good.”  Arsene will leave shaking his head.

9.       The British Government will kidnap Lionel Messi and put him into a village, like in The Prisoner.  He will be kept there by a big bouncing Jabulani ball.  The only other residents of the village will be 300 fertile young women.  2028 will be the start of 16 years of dominance by a pint sized England team and David James will still be in goal.  England shirts will be sold for $10 as they all have the same name on the back and are purchased in a massive job lot from China.

10) Shakira is given an honorary season ticket for Blackburn.  Her love affair with football finishes by the end of August 2010. 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Premier League

Whither withering Albion…

As if on cue, the English handwringing has begun. Once more, The Three Lions have failed to reach the final of a major tournament… and once more, the finger-pointing and navel-gazing has started in earnest.  Football analysts will speculate for the rest of the summer on why this “golden generation” failed to make it past the second round, after failing to qualify for Euro 2008 altogether.

Was it fatigue? Don Fabio claims his players were tired from an overlong Premier League season.  Most of his players were selected from teams playing in cup runs or in European leagues.  Some pundits argue the team which qualified so easily by the autumn of 2009 was a shadow of itself, come summer of 2010.

Was it the ball? John Terry was caught out on the first goal yesterday when the ball sailed over his head, allowing Miroslav Klose to score the first tally.  Terry may have been out of position, but the Jabulani seems to have taken some players by surprise. Some observers say it is more favourable for the quick short-pass game of the South Americans… who have seen great success in this tournament so far.

Was it the manager?  Little Englanders say an Italian manager can never understand an English player. Of course, Schteve McClaren was English… and he was pants. Also it’s a little suspect that some of those calling for an English manager are looking for the job themselves.

Was it the selection? When Capello was hired, he said he would pick players based on form. But it soon became clear that the usual cast of characters would be appearing. A brittle Ferdinand was selected, along with players like Carrick, Upson, Heskey, James, Green, Walcott, SWP and Joe Cole… players who didn’t have the best seasons but seemed to have been chosen simply because they had all been capped before.  In-form players like Birmingham’s Roger Johnson, Stoke City’s Etherington and even Wolves’ Jody Craddock weren’t even given a glance.  They may not have international experience… but after this dismal World Cup, would it have mattered?

Was it age? England’s oldest-ever World Cup squad looked slow and random against a positively juvenile German team who looked more organized and experienced yesterday.  Was too much faith put into a group of players who — despite all their club success — have never achieved at the international level?

Is it English football itself? The Premier League has become a sporting Tower of Babel, a marketplace for the world’s players to make their fortunes on the global stage. But with big clubs buying — rather than developing — their players, England’s national team seems to have suffered. Witness the thin pool of talent available to Capello in goal and across the back four.

Many of the current players will likely call time on their international career, come Brazil in 2014.  Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Ferdinand; they will join the ranks of Lineker, Gascoigne, Shearer, Owen and Beckham before them.  All of them were great players who will never know what it feels like to win the greatest tournament on the planet.

For England fans, there is still 2012… and 2014… and so on. The faithful will wring their hands, hold their breath, and whisper, “Please don’t let us down again.”

Brent Lanthier

Leave a comment

Filed under World Cup

Party time in Port Elizabeth

Simon ‘The Happy Hoofer’ Hagens is in South Africa for two weeks of World Cup football and travel. In his second note from the road, Simon heads east to Port Elizabeth for England’s pivotal clash with Slovenia. Keep up with Simon’s gang on Twitter for plenty of fun photos.

Port Elizabeth stadium scene

Inside the stadium at Port Elizabeth

A long, beautiful drive out of Cape Town brought us as far as Knysna on the first night, where we stayed in the impressive Phantom Forest. Beautiful huts scattered throughout the trees were truly impressive… although better suited for young lovers than a squad of smelly football fans, as evidenced by the numerous soaking tubs, and absence of televisions. We took the opportunity to clean ourselves up, talk about (rather than watch) football, and tried keeping the monkeys away from our food with a slingshot. Still lost some jam.

By the time we got to Port Elizabeth, we were just one of a long stream of cars full of England fans descending on the city, which was just as prepared as Cape Town for the onslaught. A quick word about the exemplary organization of the event and the country as a whole. Having been to South Africa a number of times over the last three decades, I was curious to see how this would all come together. In a word, it’s amazing. Shuttle buses carry fans wherever they need to go, security is excellent, roads are smooth roads, the people are helpful, friendly and proud to show off their country. And in most places, a beer costs about $2.

Posing with police

The lads pose with the local constabulary

The lead-up to the game was a perfect mix of orderly and disorderly. Shortly after noon, the beach front was decorated in red and white, chants of “10 German Bombers” rang out time and time again, bars were being drunk dry. Hordes of people stumbled towards waiting buses and were shuttled to the stadium. England’s fans were outwardly optimistic, but their faces clearly showed worry lines. Unlike Friday in Cape Town, where Algerian fans mingled and joined the party, Slovenian fans were few.

As we bustled into the stadium and found our seats, it was red and white alone. The big show of support was clearly the inspiration this time and England came out strong, to the great approval of the crowd. The line-up (a topic of much drunken debate) was to the crowd’s liking. David James’ sure hands were a pleaser, and Jermain Defoe was roundly thought to be an addition that would add neccesary spark, a suspicion that was proved right. Some Tottenham pride showed through as Defoe’s goal generated a massive holler, the loudest I’ve heard, and an enormous sigh of relief. A few more goals would have been nice, but it was roundly considered well played, and well enjoyed. Lots of curiousity about the US game, and as news of the American goal trickled in at the end (thanks to a message from my wife, back in Canada), the importance of a second goal caused a few groans.

On the Road With England

Our correspondent meets a two-fisting Manc

At the final whistle, the fans tipped their pith-helmets to the riot police and headed to the pubs for a night of singing and watching Germany-Ghana. At the end of the night, many of these fans knew they would be heading to Bloemfontein to see England play Germany, a much anticipated match. Maybe not as easy as Ghana, but a welcome challenge. We’ll be holding our breath until then.

Some of my travelling party are off on safari while I visit family, with our next game back in Cape Town on June 29th. Friday’s matches will decide the competitors, but we’ll likely see Portugal vs. Spain. More then.

Simon Hagens

Leave a comment

Filed under World Cup

Love For Sale: Portsmouth

With three weeks left in the season, the relegation battle is a little clearer. Portsmouth are gone, Hull City and Burnley are on their way (thanks for visiting!) and big teams like either West Ham and Wolves could lose their spot to Newcastle and West Brom (Welcome back! We hardly missed ya!).

The teams that drop can’t expect to keep all of their players. At The Rails will look at the teams that have been relegated — or are in danger of the drop — and who we think could jump ship.

Portsmouth

Poor old Pompey. Never really had a shot, did they? Their revolving door of owners and managers finally caught up with them.  From their FA Cup-winning season on, the debts mounted — they even owe money to the milkman — and the League imposed administration, effectively relegating the last bastion of South Coast football from the Premier League.

Most of Portsmouth’s highest paid players were shed at the beginning of the season, with the boardroom electing to bring others in on loan.  That means Freddie Piquoinne and Aruna Dindane will almost certainly return to France (Lyon and Lens, respectively) in May and Jamie O’Hara will resume his role as Tottenham’s Young Player of the Year.

But others will be sold off: some will leave to drop the wage bill, some will go to a team that actually pays the players… and some will leave because the FA Cup finalists will be a shadow of what they once were and players won’t relish another relegation battle.  Let’s have a look at possible pickups for the other Prem outfits:

Kevin-Prince Boateng: This Ghanian international will have to be on the block this summer, as Portsmouth still owe 3 million pounds to Spurs for the hard central midfielder.  Boateng will showcase his stuff for the Black Stars in South Africa this summer, where he will face off against brother Jerome (who plays for ze Germans). Jerome has been linked with Manchester City but Kevin-Prince may have to look a little lower down the table.  The elder Boateng would be a good fit for Steve Bruce’s Sunderland.

Steve Finnan: The ultimate journeyman, the Irish RB is the only player to play in the World Cup, Champions League, UEFA Cup, all four levels of English football, as well as the Conference. Although a bit long in the tooth, he recently came out of retirement to join Giovanni Trappatoni’s Ireland squad and may have another Euro left in him. Reliable and experienced, Finnan is out of contract come July.

Aaron Mokoena: The captain of South Africa’s squad, Mokoena’s fate may depend on how well the Bafana Bafana does in front of the home crowd. The hard-tackling midfielder (his nickname is ‘The Ax’) is nursing a lingering groin injury.  But after his sterling performance in the FA Cup semi, Prem teams will likely not care that his mum used to dress him up as a girl.

Nadir Belhadj: Another one of Pompey’s better-than-average players currently on the injured list, Belhadj was brought over from Ligue One for 4.4 million pounds. A Dubai-based law firm said they are still owed fees for helping that transfer along.  Belhadj is in a race to get fit in time for Algeria’s World Cup debut against Slovenia.  But games against England and the U.S. may give the defender a chance to shine.

David James: He’s old, he’s a bit of a tw@t…. and he’s prone to huge lapses in concentration.  But even after Portsmouth sink further and further, Calamity James will still call the Premiership home. Why? Because England’s national team can’t afford to lose him to the lower leagues.  He’s 40 years old but he’s still best goalkeeper in all of Albion — on his day. His record of most Premier League clean sheets is more a testament to his longevity.  But there are teams that could do worse than the man from Welwyn.  Besides, who else will set Glen Johnson’s corn rows?

Up Next: Burnley

Leave a comment

Filed under Premier League